Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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