I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he fucked my hip out of place.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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