I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
