someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
