he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
