So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
