My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize