Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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