Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
