so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
