hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
