once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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