Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
