I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
