Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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