FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
