please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
