so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize