I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
