my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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