the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
