I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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