It's Friday. Sex?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
