just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When are your genitals available?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
