I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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