look no pants
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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