In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
