so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
