Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
