I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
