I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
