I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
