I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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