and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
