I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
