FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
