I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
