I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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