where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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