maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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