At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
