Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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