I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
