I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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