Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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