I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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