That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize