she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
