Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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