I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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