you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
