hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize