so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
