The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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