god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
