today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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