i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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