we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
