thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
