Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
