seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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